This time, I saw it coming. Somewhere between complimenting my waitressing skills and asking what high school I had gone to, I realized that he was flirting with me. The poor soul-- he had no idea what he would not be getting himself into. I probably should have taken the moment when he asked how long I had taken dance class (the context of how we reached this topic will take too long to explain) to have said something like:
"Woah there, slugger. You're taking an unnecessary interest in my life, and I've got to stop you right there. Trust me, it's for the best. I'm just passing through, and I'm the emotional equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. I don't want a boyfriend or a hook-up, and you don't want any part of this. I know I seem like I have my shit together, but don't you think that I'm working at ten p.m. on a Friday night for a reason? I'm not with anyone, and, at the moment, I'm not trying to be with anyone. Sorry, for my overly friendly confusion, but I really was just trying to be a good waitress and make conversation. Honestly, I'm flattered, but I'm doing you a huge favor."
Of course, if I had said all that, I wouldn't have had time to ask if they wanted their drinks refilled.
So that's why I will not call the second guy who has ever given me his number via check. This one, an obviously more confident lad, simply wrote "Call me" above his seven digits of delusion. He seemed nice and was mildly attractive, but I'm just not looking right now. I know that I'd be too much for him to handle if I was functioning normally, so there's no way he'd last more than a week with the basket case edition. I'm doing us both a solid with my silent rejection.
Of course, these incidents have got me thinking. It might not be a bad idea to make an addition to my name tag. Writing"Not Available for Dating Purposes" under "Lindsay" might just be the quick fix I need to help eliminate confusion. Then again, "Damaged Goods" is shorter and more accurate. Either of these imaginary addendums would dissuade unwanted suitors, leaving me more time to star as the female (and only) lead of the Lifetime movie that strangely resembles my life.
These dirty plates aren't the only thing that's a hot mess. #servergirlstruggz
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