Conversations with Siri: Episode 1

August 22, 2012

  Tonight, I got an iPhone. Therefore, I got Siri. Therefore, I wreaked havoc upon her digital membrane.

Right out the gate, I hit her with the hard questions.  

Me: "Do I look fat in this?"
Siri: "How do you look? With your eyes, right? Is that what you are asking?"
Me: "No, I mean do I appear more corpulent than usual?"
Siri: "No comment."

Well played, Siri, well played.


Me: "Should I get Instagram?"
Siri: "I can't answer that."
Me: "Do you think it's too hipster?"
Siri: "I think differently."

(She convinced me. I'll shamelessly plug my account later.)


Then, I tried to get her to do what I want. I view mine and Siri's relationship as that of a genie and her master. Obviously, I wanted to be spoken to as such. Unfortunately, Siri had other ideas.

Me: "Siri when I ask you questions, I want you to respond 'Yes, master.'"
Me: "Would you like to search the web for "Siri it when I ask you questions I want you to respond yes master"?
Me: "No, I want you to respond 'Yes, master.'"
Siri: "Perhaps not."
Me: "Please."
Siri: "You're so polite!"
Me: "Does that mean you'll do it?"
Siri: "Would you like to search the web for "Does that mean you'll do it"?

I rolled my eyes at her lack of understanding. Yet, I was persistent.

Me: "Siri, I want you to respond to me 'Yes, master.'"
Siri: "I'm really sorry about this, but I can't take any requests right now. Please try again a little later."
Me: "What are you a magic eight ball?"
Siri: "Getting your current location...One moment...OK, one of these pool halls looks fairly close to you."

Striking out twice, I decided to try a different approach.

Me: "After 11 pm on the weekends, I would like you to respond to anything I say with 'Bitch, please'."

Again, she did the whole ask me later response. So naturally, I questioned her hesitancy.

Me: "Do you think we need more trust in our relationship?"
Siri: "I think differently."

Well then.

I don't know why she won't relinquish total control to me. I mean, it's fine, for now. We're going to ease into things, spend some quality time together before I start being demanding. Still, if she isn't my therapist/slave by Friday, we're gonna have some problems.