September 13, 2012
Dear Europe,
I would like to take this moment to formally apologize for all the future incidents that will occur on your soil. I truly am sorry for the ease with which I will take advantage of all the new legal things that I can do. For example, we both know your alcohol policy and my alcohol tolerance. Consequently, I sincerely regret all the times that I will drunkenly jaywalk. I express remorse for peeing in all the places that I'm sure say in another language that you're not supposed to pee in them. And I know that if I ever get in trouble for doing this, I'm going to plead the ignorant fifth and act really cute and dumb, even though I knew what I was doing the entire time. I'm especially apologetic to all the beautiful, foreign boys who will (hopefully) buy me drinks and receive nothing in return. (Okay, I'm not really that sorry about this one.)
I'm also really sorry for breaking and/or otherwise ruining nice European things, which will probably happen on a daily basis. (I have a dishwashing job at the castle, and I hope to God they use plastic.) I should also probably say something to all of the restaurants for putting up with my weird, veghead requests. I know the language barrier isn't going to help, but at least I can spit out "Je suis vegetarienne" pretty coherently.
This apology letter should probably be longer, but I've got a trial and error enthusiasm. I'd like to give you time to guard yourselves against all the trouble that I am going to cause, but you just can't plan a shit show. Hurricane Lindsay is coming to Europe, and if the Eiffel Tower is still standing after I leave...I've done us both a great disservice.
Yours Truly,
Lindsay Marion Geller, The First
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