I hate texting. It irks me. It makes me stop associating people with their faces, forcing me to boil down their entire existence to a couple of words on a screen. However, it is a necessary evil; and I've been told that, when it comes to texting guys, I'm freaking good at it. Therefore, I've compiled a list of rules (more like guidelines) so that the modern female can achieve success when texting the modern male. My only disclaimer for these rules is that I break them. I break them when my common sense tells me that I should. Like I said, they're guidelines more than anything else. Nothing here is written in stone, it's just typed on a screen, much like the last "Kk" you just sent.
1. You CAN text him first. Cosmo and our idiot girlfriends have been telling us for centuries that initiating contact is a sign of weakness. However, after talking to guys (yes, that's right, GUYS—THE PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO SEDUCE) they have told me that this unspoken role of heterosexual communication is bullshit. Girls have this irrational fear that showing any interest in a guy, at all, will annoy him. On the contrary, guys never see a girl talking to them as bothersome. Even if he isn't interested in the girl, it's still a welcome ego boost.
2. You can begin a conversation just saying “Hey.” You do not need a legitimate reason to text him. You do not need to see something that reminds you of an inside joke between the two of you. You do not need to have a question about something. Obviously, this helps with actual conversation. However, girls today think that unless they can feign/find a reason for texting their boy of choice, they lack all texting rights. If he's the right guy for you, he won't require that you have a reason to text him. He'll just be happy enough that you're texting him, and wouldn't that be nice for once?
3. Unless you're drunk or are in the honeymoon period of your relationship, you have a one emoticon per day allotment. Do not exceed this allotment unless you want to appear like an overeager puppy—in heat. An awkward combination, to say the least.
4. Be ballsy. If you think of something funny/cocky/teasingly bitchy to reply back to something he said, JUST TYPE IT. Go with your immediate reaction. Don't overanalyze it or its implications. I know you want to. I want to. I have, and then I've sent the text anyway. And let me just say that, for all the nail biting seconds I've endured while waiting for a reply, once it has come, I've never been disappointed. And another thing: if he can't handle you being you in your purest, most unadulterated form, then why are you wasting your time talking to him in the first place?
5. Do not double text. You say something, he doesn't respond, you do nothing. You do not try to flirtatiously finagle your way out of silence by a suggestive “you there?” Double texting is pathetic and desperate, and you are better than that. If he doesn't respond, then just let it go. The only exception to this rule is if you really need a definite answer about something (i.e. the time and place something is going to happen) and then you can double text because he is witholding pertinent information.
6. Not every text deserves a response. He replies “haha,” you do not need to say “yup.” You say “yup” and he will most likely not respond. Don't give him that chance.
7. Let him have the last word. This rule goes along with #4. It's a power play. By not responding/forcing him to make the last contact, you hold all the power in the next time you initiate contact. Furthermore, he'll be wondering what you were doing in the interim that was so interesting that you couldn't respond to him but now seem to have managed to find the time.
8. It is not solely your job to further the conversation. It should be a give and take. If it's not, you have a couple of options:
1. You can continue to take on the sole responsibility of “conversation futhering” and worry yourself sick about how this reflects a waning or complete lack of interest on his part.
2. You can stop trying to further the conversation and see how he reacts when you don't respond to one of his texts. If he's the right guy, or even a good guy, or even just an interested guy, he will text you again. Maybe not that night or the next day, but you will be in contact.
3. This one should only be attempted if you're sure of his feelings for you or you otherwise have nothing to lose. And let me just state that, for the record, I have tried this with success. Call him out on it. Tell him that he needs to put in as much effort into the conversation as you do. Explain to him the idea of a give and take, and make it clear that he is lacking in the give area. If he responds with something like “haha k,” dump his ass. He doesn't think you're worth more than five letters, and it's about time that you find someone who does. (I did this with a really special and important guy in my life, and although it didn't totally change his texting habits, he did ask me deliberate questions that continued the conversation.)
9. If you've got him, and you know you've got him, FORGET ABOUT THESE RULES. Be yourself. You won't him to like you, not your cellphone. Once you know he likes you, all bets are off. Do whatever you want. Like I've been saying the entire time, if he's the right guy, he'll be able to handle it and he'll love you all the more for just being you.
I hope that these rules (guidelines) were helpful. If you think I've missed any, have a perplexing text situation, or just want to talk about your life, you can comment on this post or tweet me @LGells.
Happy texting!
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